How Easy is It to Forgive?

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How Easy is It to Forgive?

By Aditi Chopra

Haven’t we all come across numerous quotes on forgiveness? These quotes tell us that it is better to forgive.  Exactly how easy is it to forgive? Whenever I see these quotes, I cringe because I often find forgiving very difficult. I find it unfair that in spite of being hurt by someone’s actions, I am the one being challenged to now forgive their actions – is that fair? Well, let’s dissect this a little bit.

Human beings are so different from each other and our actions are a result of our experiences, personalities, desires and stresses. Some of us have a higher empathy quotient and have the capability of thinking beyond our own issues. However, there are a lot of people who don’t think before acting or speaking and therefore are probably not even aware that their actions could hurt someone. It’s unfortunate, but it is true.

You might have noticed that when we are in a dilemma or problem, we often think of a go-to person to talk with. Why? Because that person is wiser; he or she can think through things and provide valuable insight. Perhaps that person can think objectively without personal or emotional bias. But not everyone possesses this level of objectivity.

forgive conflictAre all mistakes innocent? Not quite. A majority of mistakes are often hurled without realizing because the person at fault didn’t think things through. But then there are also some actions taken by manipulative people who know what they are doing and don’t care about breaking someone’s trust. Should we forgive all? How does forgiveness work? Is it as simple as the quotes tell us? I often struggle with these questions.

I am not perfect but I belong to the category of people who think before they speak or act and therefore I find it hard to accept a breach of trust. Having said that, just as there are a range of mistakes, there could be a range in forgiveness. I may be splitting hair but even though we cannot quantify forgiveness, we can certainly phase it out.

Let’s start off with calculating people and their actions. These people need not be forgiven. These are the people we need to make a mental note of so we don’t end up getting manipulated by them again. They may have their reasons, but the fact remains that they could harm you with their manipulation. These people teach us our lessons and that’s all we need to do to deal with them and move on!

On the other hand, a majority of people fall into the other category where their actions hurt us but their actions were not orchestrated or well thought through. Forgiving these people, although not easy, can be broken down into steps.

  • When their actions hurt you, the onus is on you to make them aware of their actions and ramifications. Tell them how they have hurt you. If you don’t tell them, they will never realize and perhaps keep hurting you unknowingly.
  • Now comes the hard part. Once you have informed them how their actions have hurt you, give these people enough time and a safe environment where they can prove to you that they understand their mistake.
  • Give them a chance to work on themselves and improve. This part is not easy, because you are out of your comfort zone. You are hurt and naturally you want to protect yourself from these people or by possible more hurts. But sometimes, you have to stretch out and trust that the other person will eventually learn and not hurt you again. With the high hopes that you succeed and are, in time, able to build a certain level of trust again with that person, it will be win-win for everyone.

You might wonder why I should even bother going through this uncomfortable process of giving another person a chance. The simple reason is that holding on is very painful. By forgiving, you are not doing a favor to the other person; you are mostly doing a favor for yourself. Holding a grudge can cause lots of stress, therefore even though it is not easy to forgive, try slowly easing into it. It will eventually give you peace of mind.


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